How Not to Take Medicine

18 Oct

1. At first sight of offending liquid stiffen body from head to foot like a mummy. But beware – liquid indignities of this sort can come in many disguises. Take heed of any substance that is being forced upon you, unless the jar has a picture of a very darling baby on it.

2. Hold your rigid position as long a possible to show Medicine Administrator that you, the Medicinee, will not take this abuse without a death struggle. This maneuver by itself should make the opposition lose heart and give up. However, if faced with an especially wily enemy, further resistance may be required. If so, carefully follow steps three through seven.

3. Clamp lips together like a vise.  Some find that holding the image of a pit bull firmly in mind is quite helpful.

4. Forcefully push spoon, eye-dropper, or other happiness-destroying device away, using flailing arms or legs. Or both, if necessary.

5. Thrust head from side to side like a madman on Mad Man Appreciation Day. At same time, attempt to squirm toward daylight.

6. If still under attack, cry to the point of a hacking, near-heaving cough.  Caveat: the seasoned Authority Figure may attempt to shove foul liquid into the mouth while you are trying to grab your next breath.

7. If lip area is breached, a superhuman effort may be required.  Simply gather all your forces and blow or cough the offending junk into your tormentor’s eyes or onto his new pants.

For further tips go to ImaybeababybutIain’tdumb.org.

Good luck and Godspeed.

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