Always Make a Background Check on Service Providers on Craigslist.

21 Dec

“Greetings, Steinkellner children.  My name is Stashu Smykowski. I am an ex-warrior and semi-retired death merchant. I have been hired to instill cold, logical discipline in you.  Your parents are too soft-of-heart.  That is why I am here. My heart is a piece of anthracite, a faceful of gravel, the dark side of the moon. Your dimpled smiles, clever come-backs and whimsical logic will be wasted on me.

My life stinks.  Anyone I ever loved was been lost through war, political turmoil or cataclysmic weather. No need to detail those losses. I only bring them up so you will know how beautiful your life is. And you will realize you are not dealing with some Montessori kindergarten teacher.

We begin.

Rule Number One: Failure to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher will require you to spend the afternoon in a small wooden hot box the size of B’rer Kitty.

Number Two: The eating of purple or red jawbreakers without permission will be punished by having you consume a like amount of gopher livers and sand.

Three: Failure to rise from bed quickly will be punished by buckets of ice  in the undergarments until verticality has been achieved.

Back talk, cursing, refusal to leave for an appointment on-time, or vocal disagreements concerning last minute changes of plans will be punished by flogging with wet clothes that you have long-since outgrown. Any direct command of mine will cause me to go all volcano on you.  You will never wish to see that.

To show how serious I am, I will now punish your father.”

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One Response to “Always Make a Background Check on Service Providers on Craigslist.”

  1. Linda Hiser (Norys) December 30, 2010 at 4:31 PM #

    my favorite so far…but many postcards ahead…will enjoy the voyage.

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