Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About The Bible.

6 Jan

The hermit was sick and tired of reading the Bible. War, war and more war. Smite, smite, behead, defenestrate and disembowel. Take slaves and butcher the rest. Rejoice in the name of the one true God. Destroy for the Lord and be thankful that thou are saved.

He was tired of kings who were so evil and stupid that they thought nothing of killing their wives, brothers, sisters, fathers and mothers but always felt badly about it later.  If they had only felt badly at the beginning they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble.

How could these kings be smart enough to be king at the start but then get stupid all of a sudden? One of these kings (spoiler alert he’s actually a Pharaoh) lets his daughter bring a strange baby into the house and doesn’t say boo. Surprise, surprise the baby grows up to be the leader of a great slave revolt. And a prophet. And major force in a world religion. Then when the king does have second thoughts (He does get credit for holding out during all those plagues.) he and all his retinue get drowned in the sea.

But what bugged the hermit the most about the Bible was how serious it was all the time. Where are the jokes?  Where are the sexy love scenes?  If Satan and other assorted demons didn’t make an appearance once in awhile it would be nothing but one damn battle after another. There was enough horrible carnage to make even a bloodthirsty conqueror want to vomit.

The hermit looked around and saw he had no friends.  He only had one book.  But it was a Good Book. He sighed twice and began to read aloud. In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

 

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