The Birth of a Great Scam Religion

25 Jan

I had just ducked out for a pack of smokes to recover from a nasty call I had just endured with my ex’s lawyer when a shopping cart came hurtling out of nowhere. Kazaang-whop-splat. That avalanche of metal on wheels made my head ring like a gong.

The world went all whisper soft like a good tissue.  Suddenly, I was outside my own body.  I was outside everything.  I was looking at this weird ass thing on the street and it was me. Oooooeee -oooee. A Tyrannosaurus Rex bomb blew up my brain. I was more out of it than Pluto which isn’t even a planet as we speak.

I was in the presence of  God. Even though someone had called 911 and EMT guys with Altoid breath were cutting off my best jeans.  I could feel God lifting me up.  Then he kind of checked my weight like you would with a package of ground beef if you didn’t have your glasses. Then God put me down, again. But not in a way to make you dizzy like you just stepped off a roller coaster. No, He placed me back on earth all gentle and baby like.

I could hear the faint choir of a million angels.  But it was hard to concentrate because the EMTs kept yelling what day is it? I knew what day it was.

It was the day of the Epiphany.  The day God chose me to lead the most wonderful religion of the 21st century– Om Sai Ram. The name comes from me trying to say “I’m okay” to all the people who gathered around me after that shopping cart almost offed me. But everyone else heard “Om Sai Ram”.

It was a fun thing to say like Bonzai or hocus pocus. It just went viral. Never underestimate the power of fun stuff to say.

Long story short. I got 5,000 disciples. (Most of whom make ends meet selling personal items on e-bay.) I’ve got the 101st most popular blog and trending higher.  And a deal with Dreamworks and Comcast. So, yeah Om Sai Ram, baby, Om Sai Ram.

 

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