The Hundred Foot Woman Who Lives Next Door

24 Feb

No one paid much attention to the neighborhood busybody, Mrs. Spielvogel, until February 13, 2011.

That’s the day she got BIG. Whether it was fall-out from a freak solar storm, or an undiscovered Indian burial ground that she unearthed while turning over the soil in her backyard – the cause is still being investigated. And how she was able to grow ninety-five more feet, somehow defying the laws of physics that deal with air pressure per square inch and blood pressure capacity, has heads scratching at the Pentagon.  But there she is.

Big as Godzilla, if slightly better looking.

Now, you might think this transformation would have given Mrs. Spielvogel pause.  But it did not. Instead she took it as a sign that she should do something about all the failings of her  neighborhood – all the failings she had endured all these years since the passing of her dear Helmut.

She was a whole Do-Good Committee all wrapped up in one appropriately-dressed-for-her-age package. Teenagers loitering on a corner were hustled back to their houses to finish homework or clean out the garage.  Husbands, discovered entertaining a woman other than their wives, were roughly picked up and dumped in front of florists or jewelers.  They knew why.

Mrs. S. took all the TV sets from various bedrooms and put them in family rooms.   She didn’t care for HBO so it became a thing of the past.  Spielvogel TV became the law of the land.  It was a little bland (except for House) but people found better things to do with their time.

Crime vanished because the few times Mrs, Sielvogel encountered thugs they found themselves with broken backs.  Broken backs tend to give people a lot of time to contemplate their place in society.

Now Mrs. Spielvogel is coming to a town near you.  Are you ready?

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