The Titanic Battle of the Millennium –Part Two

28 Mar

Dear 423023047-2,

(IF THIS LETTER IS MISTAKENLY RECEIVED BY A MEMBER WITH ANY NUMBER DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE ABOVE , PLEASE DESTROY IMMEDIATELY.  DO NOT HAVE PALPITATIONS.  THERE IS NO NEED TO HAVE YOUR MEDICATIONS ADJUSTED. DO NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.  THIS IS NOT A SIGN OF EARLY SENILITY.  JUST PUT THIS LETTER IN THE RECYCLING BIN AND GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.  THANK YOU.)

William E.–  You are definitely trying the patience of all your friends at the D.C. Headquarters.  We would be tearing our hair out if we had any to spare. Here we are handing you a gift and you act as if we were Greeks trying to sneak a Trojan Horse into your carport. Our gift, of course, is the amazing AARP magazine full of tips on low-fat diets and exercise regimes that will help keep that other foot out of the grave.

Join today and we’ll save what’s left of your eyesight. We can help save you big bucks on the car insurance for that big gas guzzler you refuse to trade in.  That savings will come in handy the next time a Corolla packed with teen-agers plows into your bumper because you were a little slow pulling away from the stop sign.

We can get you a great deal on your next credit card.  (Not because the credit card companies want to take on your despised demographic profile  — low spending, fast payers of the principal — but because they know that AARP will sue their greedy asses if they don’t.)  We’ll help you spend money like there’s no tomorrow.  (There will be, of course, it’s just a smaller slice of the Life pie.)  If you play your cards right (and in this game the AARP is trump) you can shuffle off this mortal coil owing those Mastercard/Visa bozos a bundle.

Join us today, Willie.  Don’t make us come to your house.  Some of these fogies have nothing to do but work-out and they can put a world of hurt on you.

Love,

AARPs without harps

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