If Only You Could Get Blood Out of a Turnip

19 Apr

NOTE: THESE ARE JUST THE HUMOROUS MUSINGS OF A” WEAK KNEED AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD” COMEDY WRITER AND SHOULD CAST NO ASPERSIONS ON THE FINE HARD WORKING FOLKS OF U.B.S. — NOW BACK TO THE JOKES…

Dear Hero/Heroine–

Happy birthday from your friends at United Blood Services.  You are one of our most cherished clients. We celebrate you not just for your courage in being born and taking on the world, such as it is, but also for taking your time and life-enhancing bodily essence and giving them to us.  If that is not a hero than we don’t know what is.

Thank you for bringing family members with you.  We couldn’t swear that those are heroic looks on their face when they arrive but with you as a parent we know that they have the DNA of a hero.

Lately, we have had many meetings about how we can unleash you from that pesky ruling about having to wait six weeks every time you give whole blood.  Then somehow the phrase “blood money” started getting tossed around.  (Unlike those bags of blood you provided us with.  Those we treat with the gentleness usually only given to newborn babes.  If there were any blood bag tossing around like the kind one might see in a teen gross-out comedy we assure you the perpetrators position would be terminated immediately.)  We thought in the six week interim you could donate money instead of blood.  You would receive the same free stickers and pizza coupons.  Or you could donate a car so that we could transform it into a bloodmobile– or more likely sell so we could stockpile more “blood money”.  The possiblities are endless.  Ever used a leaf blower?  Act now and you, our hero could be wielding one of those on our front lawn for the five weeks while you are waiting to donate, again.  (But not the day of donating.  That activity would be too strenuous.)  Thank you!

Your friends at UBS

PS–Stay away from all risky activities including visits to “Mad Cow” countries.

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