The Comedy Stylings of Queen Elizabeth the Second

12 May

“Let’s give it up for the Empress of the Commonwealth, the second longest reigning monarch of England and funniest head of the Royal Family, Queen Elizabeth Two!”

SUSTAINED APPLAUSE.

Thank you.  It is certainly great to be back in the United States, again or as we call it back at the Palace — The Duchy of Benedict Arnold. (RIM SHOT)

You know it isn’t easy being Queen of the Realm.  At this moment I have a migraine because my crown is rather tight.  Tighter than Prince Phillip with his Reese’s Pieces. Tighter than the Queen Mum used to be after her double night cap and pre-slumber chaser.  Tighter the young Prince’s chippy’s leather pants. (RIM SHOT) 

Thank god we got one of them married off, am I right?   People Magazine should slip us something under the table. Without the Royals it would just be whoever got kicked off Idol that week and Tom Cruise–ing. (SLIGHT GROAN AND TITTERS.) I kid because I care.

It’s always a little disconcerting to be here in the Big Apple.  I got a bit turned around so I asked a strolling sex worker how to get to Carnegie Hall.  She said — what  I look like the effin’ Queen of England to you?  I said no you’re skirt is 27 inches too short and your bling is worth less than two million pounds.

But I tell you American wives have it easy.  Their husbands want to be treated like princes. Mine is in a constant snit because he’ll never be King.  Sometimes it becomes so trying that I get the urge to abdicate but really who else could be Queen?… Oh, sit down Rip Taylor. (RIM SHOT)

Thank you.  You’ve been a wonderful audience except for the Vice-president who is either asleep or dead.  And my overwhelming appreciation to the great U.S. of  A.  for loving the Brits and hating the French.

WAVES OF  RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND A STANDING OVATION.


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2 Responses to “The Comedy Stylings of Queen Elizabeth the Second”

  1. Richie DeMaria May 12, 2011 at 9:21 AM #

    hahaha

    • Books are my Boyfriends May 12, 2011 at 10:24 AM #

      What’s a better word for awesome? Super-awesome? Super-most-forever-awesome? It’s awesome!

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