How to Fix a Network Show If You Can’t Hire Ashton Kutcher.

13 May

1) Everyone here at the Network (including “he who shall not be named” and we know what a downer he can be) loves Creepy Crawlies. We just have a couple of tweaks.  Focus groups have told us that your characters are whiny, unlikeable losers.  Change them into beautiful, brave, witty, charming fun-types.  But don’t recast.

2) Do everything you planned to do in the first thirteen episodes of the season but jam all that information into the first episode. Then do a bunch of other different things for the rest of the year.

3) Some of the characters try our patience.  Just use them a little bit.  Use your main characters 93% of the time.  Stay with your original ideas for the characters but don’t be afraid to make them totally different for Sweeps weeks.

4) Make sure that all the characters have an emotional reality. To be clear their emotions should have reality and their reality must have emotion.  That is our mantra this year at the Net.  We hope you make it yours.  But don’t forget it’s your show, so do what you think best. (JK)…. Oh, come on (JK).

5) Big physical things are promotable and very Sweeps friendly.  So do big things.  But beware of doing high concept stuff that can hurt the emotional reality of the characters.  Think water cooler combined with the wisdom of Tao.  We think that should clarify what we want.

6) After next week’s show Creepy Crawlies will be removed from its time slot so that we can do a three hour in-depth news special on the Royal Wedding dress controvery.  Creepy Crawlies is scheduled to return some time after the NBA play-offs or next fall or at the latest as a second season replacement next year if our whole fall schedule crashes and burns.

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