The Seven Mystical Holidays of Infinite Importance

24 May

Kasquith  (April 19th) – Dip into the River of Honey to break fast (not breakfast that is Angelsquith – May 30). Wait for enlightenment.  Eat blessed date nut bread with family under the Chuchi tree.

Nirmal (July 4th) – Languish in the Mists of Tears until visions become too painful or awkward.  Call someone you once loved out of the blue and remind them of something sweet they have long ago forgotten.

Feast of Sagmonon (August 3rd) – Honor the Feats (anagram of Feast) of Sagmonon by climbing any nearby mountain of at least 10,000 feet. At the pinnacle, throw fresh flowers towards the sky or eat popcorn while leaning as far forward as possible.

Nupitalapolitanoiosis  (June 15th, Leap Year only) – Gather newly-married brides of three years or less about you in a giant dance of slowly expanding concentric rings.  Brides blow kisses at each other in an exaggerated manner. Husbands should stamp their feet in annoyance or send shri-shris (insults written on blessed post-it notes) to all other males.

Tannenbusharia (Sept 16th) – Make a giant triangle around the family tannenbush.  Stare at it without blinking until it begins to vibrate and dance.  Write down the song it seems to be dancing to.  This song may then be sung at all births, deaths, and pretty bad scares that year.

Thlamingotivity (Oct 11th) – Write messages of hate, envy, and ill feelings until your hand cramps up. Attach these to a large kite.  Fly the kite as high as possible.  Let go of your string.  Gather up someone else’s message laden kite. Read messages.  Laugh at the insecurity and foolishness of the world.

Reversapalooza – (Dec 31st – unless it’s a Tuesday then it should be celebrated two days before) Read the Book of Last Year’s Transgressions.  Resolve to do everything backwards that should be backwards and forward things etc.

On all non-holidays, look at the moon. But really see it for the first time.

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One Response to “The Seven Mystical Holidays of Infinite Importance”

  1. Linda Hiser (Norys) May 24, 2011 at 4:57 PM #

    loved it, laughed and then ah’d!

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