You May Be a Steinkellner and Not Even Know It.

27 May

This guy could be a Steinkellner.

He’s got that ever-so-attractive gaunt face with ghost-white hair.  He looks like a morphing of my father and me, with some of my brothers thrown in. But that’s just the “casual-glance” Steinkellner.  Does he have all the other attributes that would make him a male Steinkellner and allow him into the fake red leather Book of the Steinkellners that we once got for $39.95?  He would have to run the gauntlet of these questions first:

Can you hear his voice above all others in a crowded room of people talking loudly?

If you are three quarters of a block away, are you aware that he just sneezed?

Does he have a cache of candy that can be enjoyed by all?  More important does he have a secret cache of candy that can only be found on the day you see a long trail of ants that leads to a high closet shelf?

Can he go out to the store for bottled water and spend hours talking to strangers, come back with a comic book and a new handtruck (to add to his collection of five), but not a drop of water?

Does he pour so much milk in his tea or coffee that he has to bend over and slurp it?

Is his laugh so full of decibels as to be called Biblical?

If you have magazine subscriptions, chocolate bars, gift wrap, raffle tickets -you-name-its to sell, is his the first house you stop at?

Can you hear the haunting echo of his brother’s voices (and quite possibly his long-gone father’s) in his voice way too often?

If you answered yes to all of the above, give a call.  You now have a place to go for Thanksgiving.  I hope you like Honey-baked ham.

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