The Only Force in America Scarier Than the I.R.S.

8 Jun

Dear 000000149005164 aka THE STEINKELLNERS,

Why, oh why did you make us send out this second warning postcard? Your first warning was accompanied by our delightful offer to send you a free catalog. This is a high-quality publication full of even higher-quality merchandise.  The photos are by a name fashion photographer and the words provided by a high-powered editor and staff.

The A.G catalog is our pride and joy.  We at American Girl  are not wasting our lives and educations working for a mere doll company.  It is more than a doll company: It is a mission.  It has a philosophy and a vision. It has a reverence for  American history that research has shown that discriminating parents with disposable incomes absolutely love.

But alas, you, THE STEINKELLNERS scorned our lovely free offer. So at this juncture we must take the gloves off (our Kit line has some lovely gloves just added to the winter outfit release but you won’t see how cute they are because… well you have ixnayed our FREE catalog).

Due to your decision to not check the YES box, THE STEINKELLNERS, you will, of course, not receive our FREE catalog full of goodies and discounts.  We will remove your name from our mailing list and put it on a different list. Anyone on this list will be automatically rejected by the computer  when they try to make a reservation to take their precious daughter to our world-renowned restaurant and tea-room (just try to eat there without a reservation – go ahead we dare you).

This list has proven to be ten times more reliable than the governments n0-fly list.  It is also distributed to millions of nice, smart girls across America.  So good luck getting a decent play-date any time soon.  R & D is researching further penalties.  Look for them in future.

In conclusion, THE STEINKELLNERS, let us leave you with our time-honored response to any American Girl malcontent — Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!

— The Friends You’ve Lost at American Girl


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