What to Do After You’re Dead AKA Checklist for Purgatory

20 Jun

Note: The tiny printing reads “soul in purgatory” in Spanish.  Not sure how old this card is but it must pre-date Warhol.  Could he have gotten his Campbell soup can concept from this card?

Text your friends. (Or you could just lean over and talk to them.  Trust me, they’ll be there. Nobody is going straight to heaven. … Oh, really who?)

Play that hand held poker game.  You might have enough time to get a Royal Flush.  If you don’t that might be a drag in heaven.  On the other hand if you get it right away it’s going to be a dud as a time killer.

Try to track down those old girlfriends. Now, you’ve got no excuses.

Look up, Houdini though he might have passed through already. Don’t look for JFK. I got a bad feeling.

Count all the holes in the accoustical tile ceiling.  They may not have this in purgatory but I think there’s a good chance.

Read War and Peace.  This is  probably the only thing outside of being able to explain String Theory that will impress folks on the other side of the Pearly Gates.

Transfer all your old family DVDs to the Cloud format.  Waiting around for a more elegant technology is a sucker’s bet.

Clean out the stuff at the bottom of the deep freeze.  It’s time.  Depending on the temperature in Purgatory it might thaw a lot faster than you anticipate.

Stop counting carbs,calories and whatever the hip dieters count, nowadays.  Just buy a bigger pants size. (Even More Magazine can’t guilt trip you now.)

Forgive everybody. Even the girl/guy who ruined your prom for you. You don’t want to drag that baggage with you through all eternity.

Get ready to meet God.  (Pray that it isn’t a Big Letdown.)

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