Bill Steinkellner vs Starshine Roshell et al: The Seeds of a Santa Barbara Feud

20 Jul

Two years ago, Starshine Roshell, (Ace Columnist for the Santa Barbara Independent) her brilliant husband John, (Creator of the Greetingsfrombill banner) and their brood were invited to my birthday party.  This postcard was their idea of a good substitute for not being able to attend the festivities honoring me.  The following is an attorney’s response to their apology.

Dear Mr. and Mrs Roshell,

This is in regard to your handwritten apology to our client William “Bill” Steinkellner, President of Team Steinkellner. The matter has been placed in our hands to ascertain what future action should be taken to bring to closure this egregious incident.

Our client (here after referred to as the injured party) received your postcard with the words of apology, most cordially. At first the injured party was overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of the use of a postcard as a means of communication.  It seemed more touchy-feely to the injured party than if it had been delivered by text message, e-mail, fax or Facebook posting. But then the verity of the words themselves hit home.  He was left a crushed injured party.

After reading the postcard dozens of times he reportedly let the “apology card” slip from his grasp where it fell on the floor like a dead fish. Then he was quoted as saying “I guess I’ll never have any friends in this cold town besides the parents of my children’s friends”.

We have therefore recommended to the injured party that he bring a suit of alienation of affection against you and yours. We feel that the civil court will look kindly on this suit, since the whole case seems to hinge on one statement. The Roshells seem to believe that they have a get out of jail free card  because their “toddler’s lunch erupted on the floor.”  This did not pass the smell test for our injured party.

As the father 0f three (only collaterally injured) children he has certainly seen his share of youthful vomit. But he has always wiped it up and moved on with his life.  As he told our chief investigator, “after they throw up, they are usually happier than a Lotto winner.”

In brief, please search your hearts, memories and hard drives for any facts that could mitigate this matter and start the healing process.

Yours,

T. Brewster Collingsworth Esq.

PS. Please excuse the two year delay. The investigation was stymied for several months by your use of hand written emoticons.

 

 

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