Modern Marriage: The Rewrite

10 Nov

“You are on the verge of entering with this man into the holy bonds of matrimony. Before you do, consider these questions. Will you still love and cherish when your teen-ager curses you? When the middle child hasn’t finished the homework from last night because he was too busy slam dunking on a Li’l Tikes hoop? When the toddler is crying because her brother has hidden her scooter?”

“Will you still honor your spouse even after he repeatedly forgets to give you important messages?
And what will your excuse be to the people who called — I married an idiot?”

“Are you aware that, in entering this most sacred contract, you are not only marrying this man but also his brothers, sisters, mother and father, and all the husbands, wives and brothers and sisters of all those people?”

“Too often marriage partners come to me with tales of woe. I say to them — this too will pass. Of course, even this advice seems to inevitably boomerang back, so remember to duck.”

“Now, just sign this form that says you are not now, nor have you ever been a Kardashian.”

“And remember if you can engage in a screaming, knock-down, drag ’em out fight and still think your partner is kinda cute, you will have a living marriage.”

“If you still wish to embark on this journey after all these caveats, God, the state and I say –go for it.”

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