The Many Uses of Religious Tracts in Modern America

19 Dec

1) They make excellent bookmarks. (If you should happen to put it down somewhere and lose it– no worries. They are free –except psychically there may be a small emotional fee. But isn’t there always?)

2) They are good for jotting down phone numbers. (Some tracts are better for this than others. With the sample provided you’d have to write very tiny in the one off white space advertising “The Prayer of Jabez”.)

3) If you are a waiter you can brush crumbs off the table if you happen to lose your little metal flat edged thingy. Waiters should try to carry several tracts at all times. The shelf life of these flimsy paper pamphlets is three uses max.

4) It could be made into a colorful paper airplane. (Unless you are all thumbs like me. In which case you should go back to suggestion #1.)

5) You could pick your teeth with it. (Not as effective as a matchbook but if you still carry matchbooks you are either a smoker or an arsonist, you have much bigger problems than what is the best thing to pick your teeth with.)

6) They’re fun and interesting to read. (Hah! I love that gag.)

7) You could hand them out to folks on the street but there is a possibility of constant rejection. Plus it would mean that you believe in this “it’s all made up by some guy a long time ago or last week” so sincerely that you want to see if you can find some new suckers to keep you company while you breathlessly await The Rapture.

8) You could use it to write a postcard story. Highly improbable but I hear it happens.

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