The Mock Trial of Wild Bill

2 Jan

Note: As eight years of Dos Pueblos Mock Trial (4– Teddy, 4– Emma) draws to a close I realized that it can’t help but get into your blood.

“Now, Wild Bill are we right to assume that you are the “Fastest Gun West of the Pecos”?

“Objection, Your Honor. This creates a material fact. What somebody, somewhere called somebody else goes beyond the scope of the record.”


“Thank you, Your Honor.”

“Defense may proceed.”

“Yes, Your Honor. Now, Wild Bill you could not have shot that varmint that night because you were tired from a two day journey by stagecoach and fell asleep in a hot bath, didn’t you?”

“Objection, Your Honor. This testimony is not relevant. Prosecution moves that everything after “Wild Bill” including all of Mr. Bill’s testimony be stricken from the record.”

“Sustained. So stricken.”

“Thank you, Your Honor.”

“So, Wild Bill there you were plumb tuckered out and soaked to the skin…”

“Objection. Lack of foundation.”

“I’ll allow it. The defense may proceed.”

“But, Your Honor?”

“Does Prosecution have anything else on this point?”

“Uh, well no. Submitted.”


“So, you heard a gun shot and dove out of the bath tub?”

“Objection. Leading the witness.”


“Yes, Your Honor. So, Wild Bill, slipping and sliding in suds you struggled to the winder …uh, I mean window
where you saw the victim fall into the gutter, a victim you never met before and shortly after you saw a cloud of dust and the black hat of the accused, the Durango Kid?”

“Objection, Your Honor, Counsel calls for a narrative by reciting a narrative.”

“Sustained. Let’s move this along a little. Mrs. Steinkellner tells me that lunch is ready and the ice cream sandwiches are starting to melt.”


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