Billy Whitla: The Kidnapped Boy — A Made-up Tall Tale Based on a True Story

4 Jan

“I am Billy Whitla, the Kidnapped Boy. My story is as true to my recollection as most books in the Bible.”

“I was four when I was rudely snatched from the confines of my father’s home. It was on my fourth birthday to be exact that I was kidnapped by my mother. (At four I had a ready wit and excellent memory but in order to remember these events perfectly my father hired a professional hypnotist.)”

“My mother had been absent from our home for several months. Apparently, she had fallen under the power of the evil grape one spring day while visiting a passing carnival. She fled our abode that very night and ever after made her living as a hootchy kootchy girl.”

“But missing my sweet face fiercely one night due to the consumption of two bottles of questionable likker, she exhorted her brother (my Uncle) Ephraim to abscond with me. Which, after a further bottle, he did.”

“After much weeping and gnashing of teeth and other lamentations plus the posting of $10,000 dollars I was tracked down and rescued by the legendary Sheriff D.C. McGinty.”

“And so, even though my tale is rock solid true — unlike Home Alone which is a pack of lies and not even that original — my story will not be in a theater near you anytime soon. Apparently, it doesn’t have enough jokes or a name director interested. That is why this scintillating chapter in American continues to lie fallow.”

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