The True Life Adventures of Modern Media Mogul, Sumner Redstone: An Apocryphal Story

18 Jan

Sumner was born, squalling, grabbing and in general trying to impose his will on everyone around him during the fiercest electrical storm seen in these parts since anyone except Ol’ Blind Pete could remember. (Even Blind Pete was a little hazy about the birth since lightning struck a mere 16 feet from his personage.)

Sumner $. Redstone had arrived on our planet. (His middle name, of course was for his Uncle “Dollar Sign” McGrew. Sumner’s uncle invented the “$” one day while he was doodling around with the letter “S”. Later that week he came up with the “&”.)

From the age of 18 months when Sumner haggled with his Nanny over the amount of supper he had to consume to be considered “full” he was a prodigy of brilliant financial negotiating.

But his first authentically stunning business move came while “playing store” with some odds and ends from around his grandparent’s house. Granny and Pop Pop laughed when he begged them to let him keep the profits from the sale of these bits of junk.

They were flabbergasted when his little venture grossed close to 2.4 million dollars in his first six months alone. Some claimed it was just fancy bookkeeping but there it was.

Eventually, he parlayed a bunch of ol’ drive-in movie dives into owning Paramount Studios. And the rest is history.

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One Response to “The True Life Adventures of Modern Media Mogul, Sumner Redstone: An Apocryphal Story”

  1. Clinton Kabler (@clintonk) January 18, 2012 at 9:20 PM #

    Love these – very Keilloresque. The “From the age of 18 months when Sumner haggled with his Nanny over the amount of supper he had to consume to be considered “full”…” is brilliant.

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