How to Not Cure a Mama’s Boy: A Cautionary Tale

20 Feb

“I’m terribly frightened, Mother.”

“Of what, my dear child with hair like the ocean and eyes like a mesmerist?”

“Mostly of girls with their man-trapping ways. But also, bosses who treat you like bad vomit. And, of course, thugs with eyes of metal who look at your bulging back pocket and wonder to themselves if they could klop you on your noggin and run away with your life savings.”

“Perhaps your life savings might be better in a locked drawer?”

“But would a locked drawer protect you from cars driven by maniacs with liquored breath? Or crazed canines who roam the street with foamy teeth that they’d love to sink into my flesh? Not to mention flash floods and sharks that hide in shallow water?”

“It is not an undangerous world, is it?”

“No, indeed not, Mama! And what of killer bees and old satellites that fall from the sky and burn your house down while you slumber? And what’s to be done about stray sparks that could make gas pipelines go Ka-boom with
no warning? And eighteen-wheeled trucks that go hurtling down the highway brimming with chlorine gas destined to jackknife on a slick rainy night? Not to mention mad cows?”

“You are such a smart aware boy. Go get your slanket and five popsicles and Mama will help you ease your problems one by one.”

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One Response to “How to Not Cure a Mama’s Boy: A Cautionary Tale”

  1. Jonathan Stark February 20, 2012 at 5:19 PM #

    What’s a ‘slanket’?

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