How to Write a Screenplay (That May Produce a Film that Grosses Over a Billion Dollars in Two Weeks. — Not Parentheses Not Cleared By An Attorney!)

15 May

Dear Writer of (INSERT TITLE HERE),

The Avengers (not the sparkling old school tv show but the current movie) just made $1,000,000,000.00 in two weeks. It was written by someone so why not you? I have read and then glossed over your script with great interest. Forthwith is my invaluable opinion.

You have created a(n) (ACTION PICTURE, LOVE STORY OR COMEDY) with poignant scenes, quirky character development and healthy doses of genuine human comedy. All of this will need to be jettisoned ASAP if you expect to sell this thing.

First off you will need to appeal to a young audience since anyone over the age of 25 is either at a bar, watching tv/texting/or on Facebook or watching tv/texting or on Facebook at a bar.

Don’t write scenes that take “acting” unless you can define what acting is. You can’t can you? Then shut up!

Your script was chockfull of literary and cultural references from the Grand Parade of Civilization. As for that? — The heave ho! (Yes, that is a line from All About Eve but I would never think to put it in a script.) All snarky references must come from the era of color movies and by that I mean movies made since 2007. The references should be current enough to be hip but not have outlived their shelf life. (Compare Shrek to Shrek 2 and 2 to three etc.) Small bonus they have to be smart but not funny.

The most egregious mistake in your script is that your final scene didn’t take place at an airport. Don’t they teach film students anything these days?

Successfully yours,
J. Starr

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One Response to “How to Write a Screenplay (That May Produce a Film that Grosses Over a Billion Dollars in Two Weeks. — Not Parentheses Not Cleared By An Attorney!)”

  1. Grant Harvey May 15, 2012 at 4:47 PM #

    Wow. You just summed up Chapman Screenwriting. Nice!

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