Quickie Weddings for 2012

22 May

Dear About to Be Man & Wife Forever Yadda, yadda, yadda,

Our post 9-11 times cry out for a rapid response since no one has the time for a poky, old-fashioned wedding. We have taken your proposed (no pun intended) wedding schedule and with a few tweaks we have transformed it into a fifteen (15) minute
(Max.) bat out of hell.

Prelude Music A maniacally short version of “Miserlou” should do. Just enough crazy ass notes to be able to recognize how cool your song choice is.

Bride’s Processional If we think of it more as Bride’s Fast Hustle down the aisle it will make this part of the lovely day really zip. Yes, everyone will want to get a good gander at the gown but it’s not like you aren’t going to be wearing it all ding dong day. Am I right?

Welcome Anything other than “welcome” is a time killer. If you insist you could also say it in Spanish and maybe one other language.

Introduction of Vows Three words — NO ONE CARES.

Scripture Reading Boring, hard to “get” and might be non-PC. Maybe three sentences but only if Grandma is going to hit the roof later if there is zilch in this spot.

Exchange of Vows “Short and sweet puts you among the elite!”

Prayer (See scripture comment.) A nice simple old school “amen” should suffice. Just do that.

Blessing and exchange of rings Why not follow the example of the Oscar and Emmy Presentations and do it the day before? I will give you ten bucks for every complaint you might get. You will get none.

Presentation of the Couple Present them while they are headed up the aisle. The hungry attendees (that is all of them) will thank you from the bottom of their empty tummies.

Recessional and Postlude Hip hop version of Beatle’s Hello/Good-bye. Skip Postlude. No one knows what the hell that is.

So, here’s to a quickie wedding you will be proud of. We’ll do our part. The bill will be in your hands before you leave for the honeymoon.


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