Saint Phoef: Blessed Man of Hollywood

16 Jul

Patron Saint of entertainment memorabilia collectors, detective fiction and deli food.

While still a lad St. Phoef (then called Robert by everyone outside his clan) heard that a local movie theater had come under the influence of organized crime and their acknowledged Master, Satan. That very day they were handing out (free of charge) lascivious and violent movie posters to grade school children to entice them to occasions of mortal sin.

Saint Phoef rushed to the theater. (Not even stopping for the almost sinfully fresh popped popcorn.) Without hesitating he began casting the blasphemous one-sheets into the gutter. (Though, his detractors would later claim that this would only enhance the value of his own collection.)

A halo appeared above his untrimmed beard. A poster from a zombie movie began to bleed from assorted wounds. (It has never been determined if the blood was zombie or human.) Old women in tattered babushkas dipped their scarves in the pools of blood and cried out that it was a miracle.

They searched for the young saint so that they might carry him through the streets in triumph but alas he had left to return some phone calls.

Years later St.Phoef it was reported that he had been martyred by some thugs possibly associated with Duck Dynasty who impaled him on one of his own Emmy Awards.

Why Phoef was the patron saint of deli food has been lost to obscurity.

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3 Responses to “Saint Phoef: Blessed Man of Hollywood”

  1. Jonathan Stark July 16, 2012 at 4:19 PM #

    Who is this saint for real? I see animals by his feet, so I’m guessing St Francis. I know it’s not St. Colman because there are no sick horses. And what about the sick people in the background? What’s wrong with them? I see no children, so it’s definitely not St. Deicolus. But if it’s mental illness it could be St. Chad the Astonishing. Or maybe if they all have sore eyes, it could be St. Augustine of Hippo. Or if it’s sciatica it might be St. Dometius of Persia. Or perhaps St. Gangulphus who covers skin conditions, knee injuries, adultery and marital problems. But those people don’t look married. Or maybe they’re all okay and are just lying about their conditions to get free room and board. In which case it would have to be St. Emma of Herk. But I’m going to cover all the bases and say it’s St.Walter of Pontoise, the patron saint of doubt, hesitation, dying people, expectant mothers, happy death, holy death, interior souls, people in doubt, people who fight Communism, pioneers, pregnant women, travellers, and fetuses.

  2. Martha July 16, 2012 at 5:10 PM #

    This looks Blessed Martin de Porres, although he was a Blessed when I was in Catholic school many many years ago. Maybe he has been elevated toi sainthood by now OR maybe he has been ditched altogether like St Christopher whose statues we all had in our cars to prevent traffic accidents. In any case if this is Martin he was a mulato and had cat esp and he was a vegan and a Dominican…and I know this becaue I was taught by Dominicans and somehow there were many Dominicans saints. Ah Catholic school.. Where else would you get so much useless information?

  3. Peggi Sioux July 16, 2012 at 8:03 PM #

    Let me run grab a scarf . . .

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