Kit Steinkellner, Late Night Zombie: A Horror Tale of the Final Decade of the Last Millennium

9 Nov

“Doctor, the Monster won’t go down.”

“What’s her status?”

“We’ve fed her Mcnuggets, fries and a little soda.”

“With a little cupcake and a chocolate kiss for dessert?”

“Yes, yes. Do I look like a fool? After that we read three
books with no effect. And this was after we managed to lure the
beast away from a newly rented Duck Tales video.”

“Great Zeus’s great toe that should have done the trick.”

“I know, right? Then we let the Monster pile on top of us,
had a robust pillow fight that we pretended to lose,
and then engaged the You Can’t Take My Daughter sequence.
We even gave her a detailed itinerary for tomorrow and
a little sip of apple juice.”

“You’re starting to scare me and I don’t frighten easily.
You didn’t forget hush-little-baby, the list of things to
dream about, I love you with a good night kiss and promise
to leave the bedroom door open this much?”

“The whole shebang– in order. But the
creature is awake threatening our very existence.
She’s just lying on the floor next to her bed staring
at a coloring book with a stupefied look on her face.”

“Our only hope then, gentlemen, is the Puff the
Magic Dragon routine. If that doesn’t work may
God have mercy on our souls.”

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An In-depth Look at the Undecided Voters of America.

2 Nov

We are ordinary folks.

We like fart jokes.

If you want to make your movie #1, you’d better keep us in mind. (Sometimes this
fact perplexes the “experts” but they always try to please us, often without
success.)

We always laughs when somebody falls down… and at fart jokes.
Probably the funniest thing of all would be a man who
farted so hard he fell down.

Fake vomit is funnier than people vomiting unless it was the villain
who vomited. In that case it would be okey-dokey by us.

We don’t like to figure things out. But if you make it look
like we have to figure things out but make it so easy that it
is as if you told us the answer already but made the whole thing
look like a mystery? We sorta like that. Especially, if you make
us feel smart without forcing us to pay attention in school or
other hard junk like that.

We like regular hours and set jobs that we can go home and put
up our feet on the ottoman from.

And beer. Cold beer. Mmmmmmm.

As far as the 2012 election? We remain undecided.

Charlie Spievogel and the Greatest Drunk Act in the World.

24 Oct

Charlie Spievogel ruled the Great White Way at the beginning of World War I. (And by beginning I mean when the good ol’ USA entered the conflict, Buddy because those pinky in the air types, with their sub-titled films and peanut butter like concoctions that they spread on their kid’s toast that tastes like month old fudge, are always begging us to save their bacon at some point.) Charlie had a stupendous drunk act. Though, he preferred “Thespian in a Tips-a-chorean manner”.

But whatever you called it it was knee slapping, fall down, I think you just wet your pants funny. Brilliant? Yeah, brilliant like the sun when you first come out of a matinee. It simply shed that much light on the human condition.

If you just read it off the page, sure it just looked like slurred speech and some shuffling about in rumpled clothes. But you could say the same for The Little Tramp on paper. Art is what leaps off the page into your heart.

It was so good that legend has it that a man, a lush for years, laughed so hard he laughed himself sober and never took a drink, again.

Alas Mr. Spievogel’s talent did not have legs. It lasted a very short time. Less than Hamlet’s candle.

He began to have bouts of ineffectiveness. (Some blamed his wife, Eloise, who squandered much of Charlie’s earnings on imported liquer candies shaped like the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.) He pressed. He tinkered. The slump made him anxious off stage and on. To steady his nerves he began to drink.

One night he became so despondent he performed his drunk act while he was drunk. A girl juvenile in a fiddle/tap duo, now 86 years old said it was her most dispiriting moment in theater. Decades later it still made her cry.

That night, broken, Charlie retired the act. Over the years it was rumored that some had seen him in a cheap carny show where he swallowed beetles and an occasional centipede. His last official appearance was as an aging bellboy on After-MASH. His character, though rickety, was not a drunk. He had no speaking lines.

Bill Steinkellner’s Salute to Political Endorsements

17 Oct

“Friends, I know you all know who I am — but for any newcomers to our fair hamlet — and by newcomer I mean anyone who has been here for less time than it takes to tank up your car and blow town– I am Mayor James T. Gilhouey.”

“The man to my right is Thaddeus J. “Bud” Meese.”

“Now, Bud, here is a fine husband. A fine law keeper. A fine man.”

“As you all know, tomorrow is election day. Tomorrow is when our lovely burg will elect a Sheriff. My good friend, Bud, will be seeking reelection. I hope you will support him in this endeavor.”

“To do so you will have to ignore the screaming headlines day after day in the Kokomo-Kaiser Gazette. These grievous lies in print, as I call them go on and on claiming that good ol’ Bud, here is keister deep in matters of graft, drunkeness while on duty, kick-backs, pay-offs, strong arming and extortion involving the county orphanage. All of this dating from day one of his tenure. In order to vote for him you will have to ignore all of this. I know I will and I hope
you will, too. Thank you. The bar is now open.”

Twenty-three Reasons to Love Teddy Steinkellner on His Birthday.

11 Oct

1) He’s much, much, much fairer than the 2000 Presidential election.

2) His eyes dance– the tango, the samba, the conga and the Dougie.

3) He’s the funniest guy in the room even if the room happens to be the contiguous states of America.

4) There’s nothing he enjoys more than a good “bad” chick flick.

5) He’s as loyal as the Pharaoh’s cat.

6) He’s as trustworthy as Paul Ryan. (Okay, bad example but Teddy’s darn worthy of trust.)

7) Bon mots leap out of his mouth at the rate of gallons of water coming over Niagra Falls.

8) He’d lose a beard growing contest to a just picked peach.

9) He could improvize rings around Saturn. (If they weren’t there already.)

10) He hung out in the womb a whole extra week just so he could be born on the magical date of Oct. 11th, 1989.

11) He’s got as many freckles on his face as stars in his heart.

12) He’s up for the lead in Dreamworks 2016 release Prince of Persia.

13) He’s funnier falling down in his room than Seth Rogen in IMAX.

14) He’d fling himself out of bounds trying to save the ball even if his team was down by 20. (He’s the living Hustle Award.)

15) He knows where the secret bathroom at Stanford is located.

16) He can write like a gold medal gymnast on a trampoline.

17) If you have chronic dry mouth he’d be happy to lend you some excess saliva.

18) He’s as sweet as a kitten running away from a Slinky.

19) He knows that you know that he knows that you know he knows a crapload about U.S. Presidents.

20) Better hold onto your hat because if you drop it he’s gonna cry.

21) He was “Teddy” when he was born 23 years ago and he still is… only more so.

22) Just catch is reflection in his mother’s eyes some time.

23) Teddy’s dad loves him in the way the Big Guy in all His Glory loves Jesus.

The Straw That Stirs the Drink of Team Steinkellner Prepares to Meet Theodore J. Steinkellner II.

10 Oct

It was October 10th 1989. She waddled through her day. Like the off-spring of a duck and a beached whale. Bumping along with a truckload of blubber proceeding her.

Whenever she got down on the floor she couldn’t comprehend how she was going to get this mass of flesh airborne, again.

She despaired at attempting the little things that most people don’t even think about. Like going upstairs.

Her feet were swollen. Her ankles were swollen. Even her fingers were so much like little sausages that she could no longer wear her wedding ring. A small thing perhaps but it weighed on her soul.

She had heartburn, felt bloated and her joints ached.

As hard as she tried to stay awake she seldom made it past Entertainment Tonight. Often, she fell asleep with her glasses on. When her husband tried to ease them off she would get startled awake, briefly. And when she woke up she realized that she still hadn’t had a new baby.

She was miserable. She was fed up. She’d had it up to here.

Then it was 10-11-89. With a whoosh, a shove, a tug and a burst of joy –Teddy Steinkellner was here. And life was perfect.

A Quintet of Lovelies

3 Oct

Gertrude Elliot was strong, dependable and occasionally wistful. You could always borrow a buck from her in a pinch. You could tell her your deepest, darkest secret and it would go no further. But she had never gotten over her ridiculous childhood crush on Peter Pan.

Edna Mae loved to swing. She’d pump her legs with uncommon vigor and pretend that she was that girl who was Harry K. Thaw’s lover. Other than swinging she didn’t do very much. Not really.

Evie Greene was the oldest of eight. Her mother was a lonely, weak soul who thirsted for the past like a dying man in a desert. So, Evie ran the clan. Washing, cleaning, cooking and school work. And almost never resented her mother for what she was. The world could use more Evies.

Mrs. Brown Potter always affected the latest hair styles and accessories so as to appear as youthful as possible. At night she buried her face beneath a thick layer of cold cream. Still she couldn’t help but notice that the wrinkles around her eyes were as deep as the Mississipi.

Myrna Anthony was astonishingly beautiful. This brought her all sorts of favors and advantages, both desired and unsought. She tried to balance this with an attempt to care about others. After hours of practice she had perfected a look of concern that she could hold on her face for quite a long time. And that seemed to suffice.