P.S from the U.S.P.S: A Story of the Not So Distant Future

29 Feb

The following is either a subversive postscript from the inner bowels of the United States Postal Service or a completely made up story by a trouble maker.

P.S.– Buy outs, early retirements, forced work furloughs and hiring part-time no nothings who at least have an inkling to what the phrase “priority mail” will soon turn every outpost of the U.S.P.S (that remains) into a living hell.

“Inadvertently damaged” will now be designated “Thank God it got here and you can sort of tell what it must have been”.

“Slightly damaged” will be replaced by the new designation “torched beyond recognition”.

Negotiations are now on-going to privatize the U.S.P.S. and fold it into a private corporation jointly owned by Fed-ex, UPS and Microsoft. This corporation will encompass all mail in the U.S. of A. and possibly every other nation in the world except North Korea. (Where any communication outside of sidling up to someone and whispering in their ear is punishable by decapitation.)

Effective immediately this will be our new delivery schedule. We are proud to announce that all of the currently mail-free holidays such as Christmas, Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Thanksgiving will
now be days on which mail will be delivered. However, on all other days NO mail will be delivered.

We trust you will stick with us during these trying times. And we hope to be trying and heck, even succeeding once in awhile, real soon.

Thanks,
Your (still nameless) Plant Manager

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One Response to “P.S from the U.S.P.S: A Story of the Not So Distant Future”

  1. SiouxP March 1, 2012 at 8:31 AM #

    Very funny & timely. Two days ago John went to the mail box–only to find every piece of mail so crumpled & torn that it was almost unreadable. It takes anywhere from five days to a week to receive a letter mailed in Chicago to our apartment an hour outside the city.
    “Thank God it got here and you can sort of tell what it must have been”—Priceless.
    Lol, Sioux. 🙂

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