How An Actor Prepares for a Challenging Role

Mmm’kay,  I am going to put my guts into making this the greatest Salome, ever! First off – technical question.  It says it opens on a moonlit night. Do the lighting people have the right filters for that, because I have a ton of them in the trunk of my Prius?  …

Cool. I have the whole story in my heart already. Now, I get that the most important scene is when she drives her stepfather, the king, into an incestuous frenzy by dancing so he’ll grant her any wish including half of his kingdom, blah, blah, blah. But then her mom gets her to ask for the head of  John the Baptist instead. Is that too weird? …

Ah, traditional.  I get that. But then when she turns down half the kingdom for a bodiless head – does that make her seem like an airhead? … Oh sure, it’s the first century A.D so I guess anything goes…

Mmm ‘kay so I guess the Bible would know.  That’s cool. But in order to sort of beef up my motivation – can you tell me if she has “a thing” for the king?  I know Salome definitely has the hots for J. the Baptist when he’s alive.  But when she sees him in prison he basically gives her the finger, right?  So, is she a bi-otch vendetta girl or a victim of fate? …That seems kind of convenient, but you’re the director.

So while I was meditating a thought came to me – does actually dancing with the severed head weaken her credibility? Or is it more like there’s nobility in madness?  I could buy that.

Finally, what’s the deal with her and her mom that she agrees to not only dance, but has this gross murder performed as a reward?  I know it’s creepy Biblical – but does it come across real?  And if the king is such a weenie that he beheads J the B against his own interests does that make him a loser?  Too much of a loser for Salome? …

Ummm, okay.  One more thing.  Salome does the dance of seven veils which ends up with her being stitch stark naked, right? …

Oh, no, no I have no problem with nudity.  Could we just have my Mom come on the night when the critics aren’t there? … Great, that helps me a lot.

This is going to be such a hoot!

A 556 Year Old Valentine to Johannes Gutenberg

I’ve read in my car while waiting for high-schoolers to stop shmoozing and dawdling.

I’ve read in my bed, though it does get exhausting shifting from side to side as your elbow gets tired.

I’ve read in a restaurant with a sugar-pourer holding the page open while I ate.

I’ve read a book about the Crusades while my aunt and the rest of her bowling league sent pins flying.

I’ve read on the subway trying to get a head start on the ten-book limit the Chicago Central Library imposes if you’re not an adult.

I’ve read quite comfortably while a blizzard tried to crash through windows of my one-room apartment.

I’ve read Deliverance with shallow breath while I kept checking why my future wife wasn’t home, yet (not easy in that anxiety- filled era before cell-phones.  Eventual explanation: shmoozing and dawdling.)

I’ve read under a tree with my head resting on the home of my soon-to-be-born child.

I’ve read in a hammock …briefly.

I’ve read on gloomy, rainy day when I was glad to be in the middle of Shogun or Watership Down or The Winds of War.

I’ve read in a room full of strangers who were reading also.  Miles and centuries apart – but together.

I’ve read out-loud in a room packed with Jewish celebrants, shouting out the words of a Pharaoh long gone but still affecting the present.

I’ve read alone with tears in my eyes.

I’ve read by the light of the moon.

I wish I could read your face as you read this.

Which is a long way to say – Thanks Johannes.  You done good.

Who’s Killing the Great Toy Stores of America?

COSMIC WARNING: The following toy stores have been wiped off our planet.  Why?

Arnie’s Sharp Edges ‘n Stuff

War Toy Depot (“Huge Clearance Sale on U.N. soldiers and related equipment!  Don’t miss our flame-thrower demo!”)

Aunt Sheba’s Small Parts for Tiny Tots

Drive Mom and Dad Crazeeeeeeeeeee!

The Ninety-Nine Dollar Toys for Newborns Store (“Starbuck’s Adjacent!”)

Johnny G’s Government Condemned Surplus Toy Complex

I Love Lead Figurines Painted in Shanghai (Fully Authorized by  Red Chinese Officials)

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme for Girls and Boys

Toyz That Make Noyz for Boyz

Discontinued Toys and Novelties Fun Town and Bail Bonds (“Why make two stops when you can just make one?”)

Granny Grey Goose’s Playthings You Can’t Take to School

U-Put It Together Yourself Bargain Clown Circus (Formerly Ye Olde Unfinished Toy Shoppe)

Acres and Acres of Noisemakers

Bebe’s Crap for Kids

Mom’s You Could Put Your Eye Out Toddler Castle

Ahab’s E-Z Toys (“Ask about our  Kredit Kards for Kids!”)

Uncle Mike’s Santa Claus Gingerbread Cottage (Formerly Oxnard Mike’s Dew Drop Inn)

Troll ‘n Yo-yo Playtime Palace

Boogeyman’s Scare the Pants Off ‘Em and Be Up till Dawn Dealing with Nightmares Toy Emporium and Smoke Shop

The Titanic Battle of the Millennium –Part Two

Dear 423023047-2,

(IF THIS LETTER IS MISTAKENLY RECEIVED BY A MEMBER WITH ANY NUMBER DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE ABOVE , PLEASE DESTROY IMMEDIATELY.  DO NOT HAVE PALPITATIONS.  THERE IS NO NEED TO HAVE YOUR MEDICATIONS ADJUSTED. DO NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.  THIS IS NOT A SIGN OF EARLY SENILITY.  JUST PUT THIS LETTER IN THE RECYCLING BIN AND GO ABOUT YOUR DAY.  THANK YOU.)

William E.–  You are definitely trying the patience of all your friends at the D.C. Headquarters.  We would be tearing our hair out if we had any to spare. Here we are handing you a gift and you act as if we were Greeks trying to sneak a Trojan Horse into your carport. Our gift, of course, is the amazing AARP magazine full of tips on low-fat diets and exercise regimes that will help keep that other foot out of the grave.

Join today and we’ll save what’s left of your eyesight. We can help save you big bucks on the car insurance for that big gas guzzler you refuse to trade in.  That savings will come in handy the next time a Corolla packed with teen-agers plows into your bumper because you were a little slow pulling away from the stop sign.

We can get you a great deal on your next credit card.  (Not because the credit card companies want to take on your despised demographic profile  — low spending, fast payers of the principal — but because they know that AARP will sue their greedy asses if they don’t.)  We’ll help you spend money like there’s no tomorrow.  (There will be, of course, it’s just a smaller slice of the Life pie.)  If you play your cards right (and in this game the AARP is trump) you can shuffle off this mortal coil owing those Mastercard/Visa bozos a bundle.

Join us today, Willie.  Don’t make us come to your house.  Some of these fogies have nothing to do but work-out and they can put a world of hurt on you.

Love,

AARPs without harps

Arch-enemy # 1 of the AARP

Billy, Billy, Billy,

We guess you could be William E. like it says in the Big Ol’ Internet Address Book where we finally tracked you down but we feel a more familial connection.  We figured out that you are trying to avoid joining AARP because like millions of other Boomers you think that everyone else who is your age is old but not you.  You still act young and think young.  You’re hip.  High school students don’t look at you like you’re somebody in a Barney costume or worse a Member’s Only jacket.  Why you’re too young to be a grandfather type.  (Even though a lot of your contemporaries are.)

Really?… Really?  Wake up and smell the Ben Gay, buddy boy.  Pissing straight as a rope.  Eating anything you want at any time of the day or night. Chasing down a toddler.  Playing one-on-one. (Forget winning.)  Getting through the entire day without wanting to lay down for a few minutes.  Those days are gone, mi amigo.  Just like two dollar gas and madras shirts.

Maturity.  It’s the ultimate reality show.  What the heck we’ll still call you, Billy.  And if you don’t mind the smirks you can still dance at weddings.  Give us a buzz ASAP at AARP.

Love,

Y0ur Peers

How Men with an IQ of 78 Make It Through Life

Betwixt the two of ’em I don’t know which is the dumber bunny.  I guess the husband is smarter ’cause he married me.  That is the onliest reason that he ain’t been killed by a raccoon or swallowed his own tongue thinkin’ it was a roast beef sammich. And the Boy is cursed with half of his Poppa’s DNA which is a powerful amount of stupid any way you look at it.

The Boy never changes that suit. He’s afraid that he’ll forget how to put it back on his hide and then he’ll be forced to run around like the wolves that most people think raised him.  Betwixt you, me and the lamp post when they voice that supposition I don’t spend half a second dissuading them from that theory.

They have less sense than two dead dodos. One day they got to wrasslin’ and both fell down a well.  They spent hours calling for each other before they realized who they was with.  I was up at the top laughin’ my fool head off since that is just about all the joy I get out of  ’em.

In their defenselessness I have to say they put on a very decent Mother’s Day.  Hot air ballooning in the Napa Valley one year and a complete summer wardrobe from Donna Karan the next. Totally tailored for my slight build.  A nice t0uch no matter what your IQ might be…

Whoops, gotta go.  They just wandered in front of a mirror and got all confused, again. Lord love ’em.

The Hardest Working Man in Show Biz If You Don’t Include Doug Besterman

Gut evening, I am the Jef Berm.  That is Jef mit der one “f”.  Show biz life, yes, is very busy, no?  So, if I can save you an “f” den you can get on mit der busy, busy busy-ness that makes you a high mucky muck in der states, yes?  Please, excuse my no good language that is me.  I work very hard on der ESL at city college but also I work hard on Der Big Break.  And sometimes the push comes to the shove and … whatever.

So, in a nutshell, I am from my house to you so I can make der Gross audition for the part of  Spider Boy.  Yes?  Mein agent tells me with der long horse face that maybe there is no Spider Boy but I have der Big Dreams.  I will make it happen.  How do you do that, Jef? I hear you say in my head.  Listen and soon you will say der Ja.

Jef Berm is the Superstar Entertainment Complete.  Jef stands not alone.  He is a crowd in a shirt and pants. Look at der Puppets Extraordinaire: Grouchola, Empress Starlina, Tyrone Jackson Brown who taps mit der clogs and sings mit der yodels.  Chef Boyoboyoboyardee, Sherlock Thedoorundthrowawayderkey, King Crabosaurus and Nicky Demonpants… und

You seem really capable Jef but maybe too talented. I don’t think we have a role that suits you…

Jef  Berm also comes mit der  exclusive world wide rights to the Royal Wedding…

Welcome aboard, Jef!

What Made a Kid in the 50’s Sort of Amazed

Typewriters.  Manual and electric.  Even one that made the typing look like handwriting (My sister may still have one of those).

Ink cartridge fountain pens.  And wooden desks with holes in them for ink bottles (but these were obsolete even when I sat in them).

Mechanical pencils (that needed plungers to make them work).  We had hundreds of these because my aunt worked at a place called Autopoint. They surely don’t make them in America any more.  Maybe Viet Nam.

Record players that needed little plastic inserts that resembled IUDs to allow you to play 45s. Today a 45 is just a high-powered handgun just like the old days (0h, that they kept from being obsolete!).

Cameras with replaceable flash bulbs that hurt your eyes and burned your fingers when you tried to put a new one in.

Phones the size of a breadbox (a breadbox was a … never mind).  You never lost one or forgot it any where.

Cars with a hump in the middle of the back seat and windows you roll down manually (that’s why people still make that motion when they want you to push the button to automatically roll down your window).

Pop rocks.  Oh, wait candy almost never becomes obsolete.

A Wonderful Story

It’s quite a wonderful story.

It’s all about this boy who lives in very poor circumstances.  There are rats near the cans where he must take out the garbage.  There are roaches that run out into the middle of the kitchen when he stumbles to get a drink of water in the middle of the night.  He hates the roaches because he feels like they could get under his skin.

He feels he has no protection from these horrid beasts because one day his father goes to work and never returns.  In the coffin the boy sees a body that doesn’t look much like his father.  It looks more like a mannequin.  With the death of his father the boy’s mother rapidly starts to fade away.  Soon she seems to be made of paper and sadness.

The boy’s aunt comes to take care of her younger sister and the family.  His aunt has been disappointed all her life and she does not bother to hide this fact.  But she is strong and by niggling and naggling, shouting and nudging, she kept them all on some sort of track.  But rather than keeping them together, it drives them all off in a million directions.

The boy is bright and imaginative with a quicksilver mind.  But no one supports what little ambition he has. So even with all his brimming talent, the boy prepares himself for a safe and boring life.  His one bright spot is a voice deep within him that tells him one day he will make it.  The voice is quiet and hard to hear amid all the doubts, both real and imagined.  Like a tiny fairy trying to be heard over a grim waterfall.

Then one day the boy meets a girl. A marvelous, charming girl who cartwheels her way through life leaving vibrant rainbows in her wake. The girl speaks the same language as the little voice.  And then the boy’s life turns out happy.  Very happy indeed.

I love that story.

The Most Addictive Video Game of All Time

MONK DISTURBIA

Objective: To disturb Monk so completely he is unable to Reach Enlightenment.

Long-haired Jaggies may leap to Confessional Hole and yell profanities at the Monk in hopes of breaking his concentration and thus destroying his connection with the Higher Life Force.

Jaggies may only use metaphysical powers to antagonize the Holy Man. They may activate their Super Shouts if Monk is not making eye contact.  Blue-shelling will nullify their Super-Shout for remainder of the game. If they Wake the Witch during a Fetch-Quest they will be transformed into Amber Silk Worms. As ASBs, they may slither past Monk but this will never push his loss-of-focus past Flicker State.

Cheesies (Jaggies who have yet to notice the Hole-in-the-Screen Attack) torment each other for reasons that will only be revealed at the conclusion of the game, or never.  If any Cheesy reaches Code Level Azure he becomes a Semi-Sub Creature for half the duration of half of the remaining game.

If surrounded by Monk’s Minions this Subby can be fed to the Darkening Force. If the DF reaches the critical phase, it can explode and turn everyone but Monk and two Minionistas back into Jaggies. A flood of  Jaggies may overwhelm the Monk if his head is turned, but this will only devolve him to the state of Novitiate.

Game over when Monk is turned into a Pillar of Deku Tree ashes or flies away to Paradise. (WARNING: Effects used in this game may cause blindness, hearing loss, or death. Please adjust sound accordingly. Not recommended for play the night before taking your SATs.  This game may not be played in conjunction with Attack All Atheists or any other Massive Multi-player On-Line Game).