Bill Steinkellner’s Salute to the 2012 Republican Convention

Ringling Clowns Rep —

“We demand the right to keep our own personalized make-up and over-sized shoes.”

Barnum and Bailey Clowns Rep —

“We agree to the individualization of make-up as per tradition. But we are adamant in our opposition to free-styling in footwear. We that insist that the shoes of both groups should match in style and color.”

Ringling Rep —

“We fiercely resist the concept of mono-hued giant footwear. But in the spirit of compromise we suggest the the affinity of the Funny Brotherhood could be symbolized by matching red noses or at least noses that are similar in tone.”

B & B Rep —

“We could be persuaded that the nose issue might be solved with some modifications. But we feel that the large floppy shoes, while certainly an artistic choice, might be sacrificed in order to further the camaraderie that is so necessary for working in harmony under The Big Top.”

Ringling Rep —

“With time of the essence — I already see them warming up the cotton candy machine — I suggest we table our differences and pursue further dialog when everyone has been safely stuffed inside one of the funny cars prior to entering the center ring.”

B & B Rep —

“Agreed. Let the Parade of Outrageously Silly Walks begin!”

When the Future Leaps Out of a Book, Grabs You by the Throat and Shakes You To and Fro.

“I sat down to read a book because that is something that I do quite well.”

“I like to read fairy tales, swashbuckling tales of daring do and that sort of thing.”

“But then I saw a book in my father’s library with the title The Future of Womanhood and I was properly intrigued.”

“I am very interested in the days to come and womanhood which I expect to be part of one day.”

“So, I dove in. It seemed to analyze all my past ages with a fair degree of accuracy. I could quibble with a point here or there but in the main I was nodding along with the author.”

“That is until I came to Chapter XIII. There, the book stated, a chilling fact. At birth there are about as many boys as girls. But by the time those babies reach marrying age there were far fewer males available. Most of this is due to manly recklessness. Other reasons, too, but in the main it is tomfoolery that leads the dumb louts to their premature demises.”

“This chapter gave me such great pause that I read it over and over again.”

“Long before I was eligible I worried if I would ever get married. I did not sleep well that night. Or the night after.”

“And now night after night I stare into the dark. I ponder my odds. Or I sit on the front porch and stare up into the starry sky and wonder if one of those twinkly lights is my soul mate never to be.”

“Darn book.”

Team Steinkellner Receives Snail Mail Congratulations in 2008.

Although it was a swell honor and it would have made them the envy of all their Central Coast parental pals it wasn’t the acceptance of their only son into the hallowed halls of UC Berkeley that made the parents of Theodore Steinkellner the most proud.

What was it then? Was it that he could always crack them up by falling down and pretending to be hurt? Every time.

That his sisters adored him more than anyone on Mt. Olympus? (Even after those occasions when he stuck in the needle deeper than any Sarah Palin off-shore drill.)

Was it that he could have more fun at parties than a whole ballroom full of lamp shade wearers? And this without even the whiff of the grape or the tiniest bong.

Was it that he was so doggone funny that total strangers cracked up against their will?

Was it the aura of pure high octane fun that he took with him wherever he went?

Or was it his reaction when people who are smart enough to know better rejected him? (The effect was like pulling down black-out shades on the prettiest day in creation.) When that happened he felt a little out of sorts, pronounced himself “annoyed” and just went on with the getting that was good.

Maybe the parental pride came from all the things that made up the crazy quilt of Teddy Steinkellner.

But one thing they knew for sure he wasn’t going to make them proud at UC Berkeley. The little Imp was going to Stanford.

Three Other More Zeit Geisty Tales of China.

Tale of Ping

Tao Ping hears of the death of his maternal grandfather who lives in a faraway city. His grandfather’s internment is the next day. Tao Ping immediately goes to the airport to book a flight. Unfortunately 300 million people are ahead of him in the security line so he is delayed. The delay lasts almost thirty years. He dies just before getting to the metal detector. His nephew, Shaanxi, hears of Ping’s death so he goes immediately to the airport to book a flight… (This is one of the famous Grand Cycle Plays. This play lasts three weeks or more depending on if the audience riots sooner or not.)

Cathay’s Clown

Ping Tao starts a rumor by hinting to his next door neighbor that America is going to destroy Cathay as part of a premptive strike to destroy the Chinese Economic Juggernaut before it can overtake the US of A as the Number One World Power. The rumor spreads faster than Avian flu. Businesses fail. Marriages break up. Mass suicide runs rampant. Finally, the Communist big wigs squelch the rumor and put the evil genie back in the bottle. The rumor is traced back to Ping. But he is crushed during a Mass Riot in Cathay before the authorities can seek retribution. (Not recommended for children or those who still possess a shred of hope.)

Jiang’s Life of Happiness and Light and More Happiness.

Jiang, the ruler of a Billion people gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants– if not sooner. So do his all his friends and family. He is happy beyond his wildest dreams. And believe me there have been some doozies. The End.
(Caution: Not well received outside the inner Power Circle of the Communist Party.)

Ten Sure-Fire Ways to Begin Your Poem

A drop of dew slides down the petals of a late summer rose.

An old man grunts softly as he bends over to pick up his paper off the front stoop.

High above the shouts of all the other kids on the playground comes the name “Luigi”.

A flush shoots over the flesh of a bright young man as his boss steals his best idea.

Old Glory snaps in the wind on the most beautiful day in history.

An ugly little man with huge muscles pours tar on roof as the wind tars his naked torso with sweat.

A baby takes a step and a half, tumbles and on the shakiest legs gets up for another try.

The clock strikes midnight.

A trapped fly zips out the opened door.

A little boy with hair like a sunrise runs laughing into the soft, soft arms of his mother.

Everything You Need to Know About Dogs

Dogs can’t fly. (Unless they are in baggage by virtue of some astronomical fee or snuck in at the bottom of someone’s big carry-on purse.)

Dogs can’t stop whining as soon as the sun peeks its little head up in the morning.

Dogs can’t leave the house if they aren’t on a leash or they will get into a whole peck of trouble.

Dogs can’t stand still for even a second once Eva gets ready to go have her lunch.

Dogs can’t go to the bathroom very fast when they get up at the crack of what will soon be dawn even if it was their idea to get up in the first place.

Dogs can’t not bark incessantly if you leave them by themselves even for a second.
Even if you are merely out of sight and really still in the same room with them.

Dogs can’t sit on command once they are past the age of 13. (Especially if they never have up to this point.)

Dogs can’t resist the back end of another dog even if that dog snarls at them.

Dogs can’t chew a bone if another dog (even a good personal friend that he practically has a bro-mance with) is
within eyesight, earsight or smellsight.

Dogs can’t act as if they love their owners (AKA suckers who pay the bills) if other people are around.

Dogs can’t jump on the bed if they are momentarily leashed to the rocker. (No matter how many times in a row that they try.)

Dogs can’t write postcard stories but they can inspire them.

Team Steinkellner 1990

Stagger in from bedroom on adorable little legs.

Get conjunctivitis. (Put up ten times more resistance than the French during WWII as eye drops are being administered.)

Get chocolate kisses for bravery during eye drops torture.

Accept real kisses begrudgingly and have two books read to you.

Go to movies. Have popcorn and soda.

Absolutely refuse to go to poddy due to the lack of need. (Finally, acquiesce in this pointless endeavor and be amazed by the successful result.)

Stop at McDonald’s on return home. (Wonder why they don’t have your order ready as soon as you walk in the door since it never varies.)

Get same Happy Meal toy for the third time.

Color.

Watch videos.

Color while watching videos.

Fall asleep while coloring.

Dream of Peter Pan.

Lost in Translation: Ten queries

Can you smell the grass growing?

Do you remember who you used to be?

Does the past confuse you more than the future?

How many people can know a secret before it stops being a secret?

How can a baby be perfect and yet grow a little more each day?

How many times funnier can someone be compared to someone who is not funny at all?

How old do you have to be to walk by a pile of perfect packing snow and not make a snowball?

Wouldn’t adults be happier if they took time out each day to cry and skipped down the street, occasionally?

Does your thirst get quenched in your throat or your stomach?

Were you in love all the times you thought you were?

Ponderin’ on the Meaning of the Child Jesus.

So, did Jesus know that He was God while he was a kid? (And how would that thought differ from the way every kid thinks that the world revolves around him?)

Did the Child Jesus get cranky after lunch when he refused to take His nap?

Did He play so well with others that the neighborhood Moms used him as a good example/threat to their precious off-spring. (An excellent way to get your butt kicked daily by the other neighborhood kids.)

Much more likely with all those examples of him getting all over the cases of the Apostles is that Jesus was kind of bossy.
The kind of kid who doesn’t get an invite for a second play-date very often.

In general I see him as a kid who gets along better with adults and maybe some girls.

We don’t hear much about Him between the “lost years” from 12 to 33. Just that short episode where He is teaching the elders.

But what about from being a few days old until he was twelve? Those are “lost years”, also.

Did he scrape his knees a lot?

Did he get acne?

Did he go through that awkward period where your feet are like gunboats and the rest of you is growing so fast that your bones ache?

Did he have the highest self-esteem in history?

Did he have an IQ of a billion?

Maybe he was a combination of Apollo, Einstein and Justin Bieber?

Who’s to say?

I guess we will find out shortly before the end of eternity.

How Mom and Dad Look at Their Baby.

They always think you’re going to be a doctor,lawyer, President of the U.S.A. Or at least the next Ryan Seacrest.

They never picture you behind the counter of the Sleezee Qwiky Mart or selling office supplies from the bowels of telemarketing hell. Or yelling at the kids to sit back in their seats while you are in the middle of a parking lot called the 405 on the day after Carmageddon.

They always see you marrying the lovely little redhead sleeping peacefully next to you in the hospital nursery. They can’t picture you stuck in a loveless situation that you don’t have the money or guts to escape from.

Mom and Dad see your whole life stretching out before you like a yellow brick road that ends at the rainbow. They can’t ever see you staring into the blackness of your life like a sick dog.

But that’s good. That’s the way it should be. Their love is as strong as a mountain and as soft as a lullaby late at night.